Shades of Night. Light of Day.

Only words separate imagination and reality.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Holy Buckets Batman Moment #1

Holy Buckets Batman....
I have been a slacker. Ok... correction... HUGE SLACKER!

I have been really struggling with writing the past few weeks. I do one, if not all of the following in a single writing session:
1.  I write, I read it, I hate it, I delete it.
2.  I sit and stare at my computer, completely lost.
3.  I avoid it all together because I feel confused.
4.  I determine I suck, I'm dumb for trying this, and then I stop.

I think I have determined my issue though.  Want to know what it is?
With everything that has happened the past week and with me feeling guility for having not a lot of anything to show in writing for the month of June... I was doing something thinking.

I think I have narrowed it down to the pressure I put on myself to write and to "write well."  Normally, when I write, I just write: no pressure, no deadlines, no anything.

Now some of you might be saying, "Sara, you've been blogging an awful lot and isn't that writing? Maybe you should focus on your novel instead."

By golly, I think that is another one of my issues.  When I blog, it's for me.  (Well, for you too in a kind-of-sort-of way)  Overall though, my blog is just a way for me to write whatever the heck I feel like writing about.  I overuse punctuation, I use made-up words, and pretty much, I write exactly how I speak.


When I re-read what I have posted on my blog, I like it.  I like the way it sounds.  I am happy with how it came out.  I am happy it sounds like me; all humor, drama, snark that it entails.

Soooo.... I have decided....

I am done writing what I think people will like to read.
I am done writing to make it "perfect."
I am done writing to make the deadline of the writing conference and pitch. (Although, I probably should have a finished novel before I pitch it.... I don't know though.)
I am done writing for everyone else.

I am going to start writing for me.
I am going to write for fun.
I am going to allow my voice to really come through in my writing even if I use too much punctuation, made-up words, adverbs, and even a cuss word or two.

I am going to  

I also found a great planning guide on Deana Barnhart's blog under her label "writing tips."  I will be starting my planning guide tonight.  (For some reason, I write better and more honestly, in the middle of the night and I 've decided to give night writing a shot.)

Do you have similar struggles? What advice do you have?

Remember to send love, give love, be love.
Catch ya on the "on the right track" side!

Film Fanatic Friday #1

To say I am a huge movie buff is a bit of a understatement.  Calling me movie obsessed is probably a better term.  I stalk-- yes, stalk-- IMdB and anything movie related all the time!!

I recently came across a preview for a new movie that I swear will probably be the next Notebook or cult-classic mushy-gushy-I-wish-I-could-have-that-hyperventilating-tearjerker movie.  

What is this movie you ask?!?!

The storyline:
A car accident puts Paige (McAdams) in a coma, and when she wakes up with severe memory loss, her husband Leo (Tatum) works to win her heart again.

HELLO?!?!?!?!?! Sounds amazing right?!

I am a huge Rachel McAdams fan and I adore Channing Tatum.  I think they are both superb actors and I really think they will do amazing together in this movie.  I mean... look at them.... they look perfect together!

I'll prove it. Check out this trailer. 

Now, I would not say that my favorite movie genre ever is romance (it's horror if you're curious), but it is definitely a very, very close 2nd.  Come on... you are talking to the girl who has to watch Pride & Prejudice (the Kierra Knightley version),  A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, and Twilight series at least once a month! 

So you could probably imagine my complete and total freak-out/heart-melting session I had when I found "The Vow."  And of course, I had to stalk Google looking for pictures from the film.  Oh-em-gee.... here... I'll just share with you....

I love his jaw. 

Ahhh... another rain scene... yes please?!

Aren't the perfect... look at the body language!
 Sooooo.... that is my pick this weeks "Film Fanatic"!

  You had better believe I will be there opening day. <3

  What are you a "Film Fanatic" for this week?

 Remember to send love, give love, be love!

 Catch ya on the movie side!

P.S. Want to join me for weekly "Film Fanatic"?  Just post a comment and attach a link to your FF post!! 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Waiting on Wednesday #1

'Waiting on Wednesday' is a weekly event--hosted by Jill over at Breaking the Spine--that spotlights upcoming books that are eagerly being anticipated. 
My oh-my-gosh-this-book-needs-to-hurry-and-be-available-at-the-store-now pick of the week is...

From Barnes and Noble
I've seen him on the news. Followed the stories about what happened in Ohio. John Smith, out there, on the run. To the world, he's a mystery. But to me . . . he's one of us.
Nine of us came here, but sometimes I wonder if time has changed us—if we all still believe in our mission. How can I know? There are six of us left. We're hiding, blending in, avoiding contact with one another . . . but our Legacies are developing, and soon we'll be equipped to fight. Is John Number Four, and is his appearance the sign I've been waiting for? And what about Number Five and Six? Could one of them be the raven-haired girl with the stormy eyes from my dreams? The girl with powers that are beyond anything I could ever imagine? The girl who may be strong enough to bring the six of us together?
They caught Number One in Malaysia.
Number Two in England.
And Number Three in Kenya.
They tried to catch Number Four in Ohio—and failed.
I am Number Seven. One of six still alive.
And I'm ready to fight.

Set to be released on August 23rd, this is the highly anticipated sequel in the Lorien Legacies series written by the mysterious Pittacus Lore.  
It is a follow up to 

That is what I am waiting on this Wednesday.  What are you waiting on?

Remember to send love, give love, be love!
Catch ya on the reading side.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Psst... hey you....

Yes, you.  The one sitting behind a computer, reading this blog or possibly looking at it thinking "what the *#$% is this?!".   Either way, I just wanted to say

Thank you so much for either searching out my blog (it means so much that you would purposely try to find the place where I let the random words in my head live) , randomly coming across it (hey, we all get distracted by shiny things... glad my blog might be considered a shiny thing in your world), or for any other way you came to find my blog....

This is my.... I'm not really sure what you would call it.... lair, hole, safe haven, rambling center, where I say blah, blah, blah.... but when I write (either my WIP or blog) I tend to call it my "Thoful Spot."

Thanks Pooh for the inspiration!
While you may just be visiting this one time, stalk me secretly without ever becoming a follower (don't worry, I know you're out there.) , or by the almighty blog powers that be, you become an actual-breathing-real-true-blue-I-am-not-making-them-up-follower, I wanted to let you know some of the things you might find here.

Really, it's all in the name: A Little Bit This n' That....

Here you will find the randomness that is my brain including, but not limited to:

 1. The ramblings of an un-published, wannabe writer.
 2. Random happenings in my life; good to bad and everything in between.
 3. I will be starting "In My Mailbox" in which every Sunday I will write a post reviewing books I have
     currently read. This is a great meme I got from the Story Siren.
 4. Waiting On Wednesday.  This is will be a weekly post that will involve current obsessions in all
     things books, music, and movies.  All of which I am impatiently waiting to be released or waiting to
     buy. Again, great meme from Breaking the Spine, just tweaked a little bit by me.
  5. Art journal posts; some of my own account and others based on prompts from Year in the Life
  6. Maybe.... some poetry, but honestly, it scares me out so I don't write very much of it.

If you actually like what you read, see, laugh at, cry at, or say what the *$&% at, please become a follower
If that is too big and scary for you to know that I know you follow me so you make the executive decision to blogger stalk me (again, that's fine by me!)

Either way, I would be absolutely thrilled, ecstatic, grateful, all goofy/smushy/tingly inside!

Either way, don't be afraid to give some

by leaving a comment!

I hope you come back for a visit, a read, or even a blog-by-stalking!

Remember to send love, give love, be love!
Catch you on the less sad side.


P.S. Thank you for reading and being patient as I continue to mourn the loss of my little puppy girl, Bree, by writing about her here. xo.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Last Picture We Took

                                                             Our puppy girl, Bree Miller.
                                                             (6-13-11; last photo of her)

It happened so fast...

Sadness still envelops our house and grief still fills out heart.  We did not know that losing Bree would affect us so much.  So I guess I will start with the question everyone keeps asking....

What happened?

Bree has always had a small, fatty mass beneath her chin.  Every time we took her to the doctor they always said it was nothing to worry about, but to watch to see if it grows.  Later Friday afternoon as we were cuddling on the couch, I was petting Bree and noticed that the mass seemed  a little bigger.  Blake agreed, but Bree was not showing any signs of distress or discomfort so we planned to take her to the vet on Monday.  She continued to run around, play, talk to us, and be her normal self.

Mornings were her thing. Always.  She would jump on the bed the bed, snuggle, and talk letting us know it was time to get up.  Saturday morning, she did all of that.  I gathered my things and took her and Duke downstairs to do their business.  Blake woke up a few minutes later and came down stairs.

He was making coffee when he noticed that Bree was just sitting against the wall and that Duke was just sitting there also.  Neither of them were playing.  I came down a few minutes later and we were talking about getting some breakfast when I noticed that she was breathing funny.

We stood there for a minute or two listening to her breathe and immediately decided to take her right to the emergency animal clinic.

Our drive there was scary.  Her breathing got increasingly labored, sounding like she was choking on something.  Blake eventually ran 2 red lights just to get us there faster.

We arrived at the clinic and they took Bree back right away. We filled out paperwork and then went back to talk with Dr. Kirkhope about what we experiencing with her.  He decided that they he was going to take an x-ray, give her some steroids to stop the swelling, and take a little sample of the mass under her chin.  Things were looking OK.

About 5 minutes later, Dr. Kirkhope came out to the waiting area and said that Bree was really struggling to breathe so he was going to put a tube in her throat.
Yes, yes, anything.... was how we replied.
Not even 2 minutes later, he returned saying he was going to do a tracheotomy because he could not get the tube down her throat.
YES! was how we replied.

Once he finished the tracheotomy, gathered the sample, and sedated her, he called us back to the room again.  He said that she was in very critical condition and that without the tracheotomy she would have died, "she was dying on us. she was blue." was what he said.  He asked about rat poison or snakes; we said we knew we didn't have any of that, but that Blake would check.  The plan was to do some extensive blood work to determine  what was going on as the sample showed that the mass was completely blood filled.  Blake would go home and check the house, I would stay at the hospital.  Before leaving, Dr. Kirkhope allowed us to go back and see Bree. (I can't quite talk about that yet, but I will have to.  I have to get that picture out of my mind.)

When Blake returned we told Dr. Kirkhope that he didn't find anything, but he replied "It's not poison or snakes, I think it's auto-immune disease, but we will talk about that in a few minutes."

He called us back to the room again to let us know the results of the blood tests.  He said that it was a blood disease called auto-immune disease.  Bree's body was attacking itself; specifically, it was killing all of her platelets or the cells in the blood that allow her to clot.  Normally, they should have between 200 and 500 thousand, Bree was below 10,000.  Technically, the doctor couldn't find 1 platelet on the slide he looked at.

This means Bree was suffering from auto-immune disease.  It presents itself with bleeding from various places close to the skin (not abdominal cavity or brain).  Bree's presented itself with massive bleeding around her throat.  The location of the bleeding in Bree was in itself life-threatening as x-rays show that it had completely closed of her throat and was pressing on her pharynx and larynx.... that is why the tracheotomy was necessary.

As he explained to us that dogs who get this and bleed from some place like their leg only have a 30% survival rate and that we need to be prepared for the worst.  With help from the Dr. Kirkhope, we decided that we would keep her in the hospital, doing whatever we could to save her.  She would be closely monitored and sedated, have her trachea tube cleaned and replaced, steroids, blood work, iv fluids, etc.  But, we were interrupted by Bree's nurse.

Dr. Kirkhope came back to explain that Bree was now bleeding from her nose.  They were controlling it like they would a normal nose-bleed, but that she is in a very bad way and extremely critical.  We asked if we were crazy for trying and he said absolutely not.  Dr. Kirkhope was explaining the DNR we had to sign, but again, we interrupted by Bree's nurse.

This time, when he returned, Dr. Kirkhope explained that her heart-rate has sky-rocketed, that anything they start to try she continues to get worse and worse,  that she is going downhill so fast, that our last hail Mary shot would be to try a blood-transfusion, but he doesn't think she will survive the transfusion.

It was time.  Blake knew it in his heart.  We couldn't let her suffer and die traumatically.

They allowed me to carry her to the table.  As soon as I picked her up, her breathing immediately slowed and her heart-rate began to slow down.  She knew that I had her.  Blake said he could see her blinking and he knew that this was what she wanted.

She wanted us to be there with her, wanted to be in our arms.

The doctor asked if we were ready and we both said we were.  I held her in my arms, kissed her face, and whispered in her ears that mommy loves her, that I'm sorry,  that I'll miss her, that I love her. And then...

she was gone.

They allowed us to spend time with her in a room by ourselves.  We held her, kissed her, and talked to her, prayed for her, said we were sorry we couldn't save her, told her we would always remember her, and just loved on her.

We will bring her ashes home next week.  We aren't sure where we will spread them, but for now, they will stay right next to me on my writing desk.

Bree was my best friend.  Not just in the pet sense, but in general.  We mourn her loss and are trying our best to accept her death and move on.  But,

It's hard. We miss her.  We didn't think we could miss her this much. We are slowly trying to adjust to life without her.  I am not sure when or if we will ever get over this.  I know for now, I can't.  I try to keep most of it in, but I just can't do that anymore.  Bree was such a huge part of my heart that is now missing.  So for now, I write; about her, for her and for me.  Maybe later I'll write some of my book.... I know she'll be there with me, just like she always was.

Remember to send love, give love, be love.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


We lost our puppy girl, Bree.
I feel sad, so sad... I didn't think I could feel this sad, empty, guilty, I miss her so so much, and can't stop crying.
I need to get words out, but I can't get them all out at once.  I can't handle that much. So I hope to be able to write about her and how much she meant to me and my husband and maybe, just maybe, she will be able to help us move on without her.
You might find it silly to be so broken after the loss of a pet, but Bree was not just a pet.  She was so much more.  So please, just let me get out the hurt and sadness.
Hopefully, I will be able to get out into words what I feel inside my head and heart.


Night and Morning

The night can swallow you whole.
Consume your tears so that no one can see.
Allow you to be blind and hidden from the truth.
Darkness hides the sorrow you feel,
hides the pain on your face,
hides the sounds of your sobs,
protects you and blankets you.

But it always happens, as it must,

morning comes.

Bringing with it
the realization that
It brings the silence
that now fills your head and home,
brings the heaviness that now
fills your heart,
brings the tears that now fall
like rain.
Morning makes you aware that now
you have to
move on,
even though,
all you wish you could do
would be to

turn back
the hands of time.