Shades of Night. Light of Day.

Only words separate imagination and reality.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Music to fit my current Mood

Party of 1

You try to be strong and tell yourself that how people behave or the things they say don't hurt you.  But c'mon, let us be honest.... that is a big, fat, juicy lie! We all know that deep down inside, in that room in your brain where you lock away those private thoughts meant just for you... they hurt you more than you would ever let people know.

Take for example my ever-longing need to be accepted by my husbands sisters.  Now, keep in mind I have been fighting this battle for 11 years.  You see, growing up I was always friends with boys so when I met Blake, well, the other boys had to go.  That was okay with me though because he had four sisters.  FOUR SISTERS!! My god, I thought I had died and gone to BFF heaven.  How wrong I was!

I am always the type to want to be around other people even if it is just hanging out and watching t.v.  At first, his sisters seemed to be that way too.  We would hang out and talk, but I quickly began to realize that it was only at functions where the hubby was there.  I decided to start inviting them to things outside of "have-to" functions; movies, manicures, pedicures... hell, I even started a book club hoping that his oldest sister and I could really form a bond, which we did, for a time.  The other 3, I couldn't freaking tell you what the hell happened.

2 of them are so attached and honestly can't do anything without the other. (boy would I love to have a relationship like that with at least one of them)  And the other, well, she went slightly nutty in regards to politics, guns, buying gold.... umm yeah.

Over the past 6+ months, I have really been struggling with my "feeling left out" feeling.  How and why do I feel like this?  Well, here are just a few things: shopping trips between the sisters where I am not invited, manicure/pedicure days with all of the girls in which again, I am not invited, a sisters trip to San Diego, again, not invited, and just last night, they all had a birthday dinner for the oldest, again I was not invited.

Now, I am not saying that I should receive an invitation to every single thing they do, but receiving maybe just one would be feel great.  The kicker is, they don't even mention it to me.  How do I find out you ask?  Yup, you guessed it... their wonderful photo uploads on Facecrack. Tell me, would that not make you feel left out??

Well, the husband came home today and I was bumming pretty hard.  He kind of blamed me for "taking what they say/do the wrong way. You are guilty of doing that." Of course, my face just froze... what the hell, my own husband can't even be on my side!  We had a tiny tiff and then about 5 minutes after, he called his house to see about birthday plans today and guess what happened.....

VALIDATION AND VICTORY WERE MINE!!!!!

He put them on the spot about what they did last night, he even said "thanks for the invite" (of course they replied, it was a last minute thing),  and when they said "plus, you were working" he actually replied "I am not the only one at this house who deserves to be included."

**bang bang...snap** (internal sound coming from that dark room in my brain)

Apparently, that comment from him shut them up.  He said goodbye and said to me, "Don't worry about it Sara; that is just my family."

Still feeling a bit down that he didn't really believe that things his littlest sister does and says are done maliciously, I log into Facecrack and what happens to appear, yup, a wonderful jab of a post from the one in question.

BOO-FREAKING-YAH!!

He read it, looked at me, and said, "I'm sorry. You're right."

Now many of you might be saying, who cares? But to me, I care.  I don't have many friends. I know, shocking coming from the bubbly, go-getting person that is me.  I have acquaintances, but to call someone my friend I believe those are the people I talk/text/hang-out with regularly.... and those, I just don't have.  The thought/feeling in the dark room in my head meant just for me that I feel pretty much all the time....

Lonely.

There is really no other way to explain it.  I feel lonely.  I honestly long for those close friendships with women where we can talk, hang out, and sometimes do nothing together, but know that we are and always will be there for each other and will always be on each others sides.  There truly is only so much time you can spend watching t.v., reading, listening to music, going out shopping, and doing things by yourself (husband time is something I keep completely separate) until you just feel like a Party of 1.

So tell me, if you were in my position, how would you feel? What would you say? What would you do?

Remember to send love, give love, be love!
Catch ya on the flip side!

XO
Sara